One Year

A year ago today you hugged me, 

and kissed me goodbye.

There was so much love in your eyes.

We held each other a few moments with a bittersweet cry,

Not knowing what would come of our lives.

Fast forward to now.

It seems you've forgotten that day.

You refuse to believe every word that I say.

Or perhaps, you refuse to believe what your head is telling you.

Maybe you're refusing to listen to your heart.

 

Maybe, the space between us is just too far.

And not the 2,200 miles of land that separate us,

but the space between our hearts,

since you decided that love was simply not enough.

 

I'm not angry.

I'm confused.

How can you not see me,

when all I see is you?

Whose vision is blurry?

Whose not seeing the truth?

I have to find out in a hurry before I end up getting over you.

 

I like to say that in hopes that one day, I can.

How can such love fade so fast?

I don't think I'll ever understand.

                   -C    (5/23/19)

Open Eyes

Sometimes we believe that we're stuck in the dark.

When really, our eyes are simply closed.

Darkness is a very easy thing to fall into.

It's true.

Though the difference between darkness and a lack of light is up to you.

You can't let it scare you.

You've got to understand that darkness is inevitable, to a certain degree.

For the sun always rises in the morn, and sets in the eve.

And when the sun goes to rest in the depths of the cosmos,

we are consumed by darkness yet again.

But don't forget to look at the stars...

Those little sprinkles of light.

If you allow yourself to open your eyes,

you'll quickly realize that those stars are there to keep you out of the dark.

Those same stars are your family, friends, confidants, etc...

The people that will always be providing  you with their own sprinkles of...

Light.

Hope.

Love.

All the things necessary to find your way.

BUT!

If you aimlessly wander, with your eyes closed tight,

and your heart shielded by fear and contentment,

you will never be able to see it.

So open your eyes.

That way even in the darkest of night when you feel all alone,

you will finally see the light, 

so the stars can guide you home.

                -C (11/5/18)

"Batman"

At what age is it no longer acceptable to live in your parent's home?

The basis of that question is the reason for this poem.

See I’m turning 25 in a few months time.

And the bedroom above my parents is where I sleep at night. 

I had a Batman bed set until I think, the 9th grade.

Until my friend deduced that was why I wasn’t getting laid. 

What girl would get turned on when she sees,

you have a cartoon from 1993 on your sheets?

(We both laughed, but of course he was correct.)

 

I like to tell people I’m Batman.

That’s a real thing. I actually do that.

I like to think I share a lot of qualities with this man they call “The Bat”.

We’re both strong, and smart, and have billions of dollars.

Ok. Maybe not the part about the billions of dollars.

And I suppose it wouldn’t hurt if I was a little bit taller.

But we both like isolation! That’s something I can say.

He spends his nights and days locked away in a cave.

My Bat-cave is my mind. 

The walls are lined with relics I’ve collected over time.

Broken hearts, bruised elbows, some awards from my childhood…

Some things that shouldn’t be there. Missing some things that probably should.

 

Batman lets his career come before his family and friends.

Well kind of. I mean his family is…(cough).

What I mean is that I’ve done the same thing.

I pushed the people in my life behind the pursuit of my dreams.

But I’ve come too far! I’m in way too deep.

Still, this questions, keeps circling, keeping me from getting sleep.

 

When’s the appropriate time to jump out of the nest?

When is a good time for me to get rid of my twin bed?

The same one I’ve had since I was a baby bird.

Where I’d cry and cry till mom came back with a worm.

 

Now usually the Mama Robin pushes her baby out the nest when she believes it's time  for baby to learn how to fly.

But my mom knows that I’m Batman. Which is why that situation doesn’t match mine.

See Mama Robin is confident that baby’s wings will have him soaring through the sky.

So maybe that’s the reason. My mom knows Batman can’t fly.

 

In fact, he has no superpowers.

But he’s intelligent and brave. Batman is no coward.

So I will jump from the nest, and fall face first to the earth.

My body covered in scrapes and burns, but it doesn’t really hurt.

I’ll just add them to my cave, next to the hearts and the elbows.

Then I’ll set the thing ablaze, and burn down that fucking hell hole.

 

For I will no longer be trapped inside the cave of my mind.

Time to empty out the space where the fear used to reside. 

Leave it open and see what life on land has to offer.

I used to think having my head in the clouds would get my farther, 

in life.

Fighting crime in my dreams, thinking I was the Dark Knight.

Or maybe I really am.

If you put things into the universe they can happen. Yes they can.

So finally, with no fear, I say to you before I go…

I’m Batman. And I don’t care who knows.

                  -C   (3/15/18)

 

"If"

If I would've done it,

I wouldn't be here.

If I would've done it,

I may have steered clear,

from the inevitable heartbreak that I bring to people.

Forcing an end to their happiness like I was the grim reaper.

If I would've done it...

I'm glad I didn't do it.

If I would've done it, 

I wouldn't know that depression has an end.

If I would've done it, 

I would've selfishly taken me from my family and friends.

Breaking myself without even trying to bend.

If I would've done it...

God damn. I'm glad I didn't  do it.

If I would've done it,

well I guess we'll never know.

I suppose it just wasn't my time to go.

I'm glad I never did it.

                  -C  (3/14/18)

"Don't Let Them See Me"

Don't let them see me when I'm gone. 

The face they see is just a face.

My spirit has been drained.

Don't let them see me when I'm gone.

All of the memories race back to life.

But nothing can wake me from this eternal night.

Don't let them see me when I'm gone.

My eyes no longer lead to my soul.

My body, merely pieces, never again will be whole.

Don't let them see me when I'm gone.

They'll start to think of where I am.

Thinking of heaven and hell, not of the man.

Don't let them see me when I'm gone.

I don't want to feel their gaze. 

If that's the last thing I feel, I don't want it to stay.

Don't let them see when I'm gone.

If they believe death to be normal,

then I will never be immortal.

               -C   (11/14/17)

"I Know Where I Stand"

I know where I stand.

Beneath you.

I know where I stand.

I'm a text or two away when things with him aren't going great.

But when things are going right, I'm out of sight and out of mind. 

I know where I stand.

I'm the lifeguard who only wants to save you, yet you choose to refuse the words that I am saying.

What's frustrating is after all you've been through, you still convince yourself you don't need saving.

I know where I stand.

How could honesty turn to you ignoring me?

We decided from the beginning we would speak honestly.

That in our sticky situation communication was key.

You told me things that you felt that I so blindly believed, knowing that as soon as you two made up that you would get up and leave.

And maybe it's my fault for making something out of something, because we both know that what's here can't be classified as nothing.

But I digress because the rest would just make me upset.

I'm taking my heart off my sleeve. It only leads to regret.

I know where I stand. 

I can't look you in the eyes. That's where I lost myself.

But you still look in mine all the time. I still can't understand it.

I try to wrap it around my mind, I mean wrap my mind around it.

But in my chest my heart is pounding.

You're walking toward me and I start to lose sight of all my surroundings.

There's only you.

And I can see your energy, every hue.

Your green eyes reflecting off the watery blues of the lake and sky...

MY GOD! 

I can't take this anymore!

It's been so long since I've been stuck lying on the floor.

Heart pounding through the woodwork, crawling towards the door looking to shut out the world for I can't take the lies anymore.

And yes, holding back the truth is the same thing as a lie.

So I can't bring myself to stay though I want nothing more inside.

I turn my face and walk away ignoring that radiant smile.

Imagining how blushed your cheeks are, I haven't seen them in a while.

You only show your face when it's comfortable for you.

So goodbye until the next time you feel you have nothing left to lose.

I know where I stand.

-C  (8/24/17)

"Dear Nephew of Mine"

Dear nephew of mine,

Let this be a lullaby at night and a hand when you are down.

Let it remind you that even when I'm out of sight, that I am always around.

I don't know where I'll be when you finally hear these words.

Just know that I love you, and I wish for you the world.

Please don't be afraid to dream.

Even when there's plenty of reason to be.

Yes you will encounter many obstacles. 

You will attempt what most will call improbable, but improbable is not impossible.

Nothing is.

So take chances and live with love.

And when life knocks you down just remember, I'm always right here to make everything better.

-C   (7/3/17)

"A Letter"

Thank you.

For allowing me to love you.

Or try to.

 

Thank you.

For putting up with all of the frustrating things that I know I do.

 

Time goes by so fast.

It's already tomorrow now.

Thank you for slowing me down.

 

This road to my dreams seems endless sometimes.

Thank you for taking the wheel every once and a while.

 

Thank you for always being there with flowers and a smile.

When I didn't know it was all I needed.

Thank you for continuing to try. 

Even though I couldn't see it.

 

Writing these words, I don't know if they are yours or mine.

Can't remember if they were said, or stuck inside.

Either way, it's never too late to tell the truth.

Something I didn't understand until that last line.

 

So  I'll end with, I'm sorry.

 

I'm sorry our love has a mind of its own.

Because though I want you near, it's telling me to be alone.

                          -C     (4/25/17)

"Like a Home"

I was standing in line the other day when I saw a man with a kind face.

So I bought that man a coffee and asked if he had a minute, could he sit and talk with me a while.

I said , "I'm sorry if this seems strange. I'm just going through some tough times. So I  thought I would try and talk to you."

He said, "my brother I know exactly what it's like to feel alone. So come and sit with me and tell me what 's wrong."

 

We sat for about 2 hours then he said he should get going.

I said, "Okay."

He stopped and turned, looked at me a while. He could probably see the sadness I was showing.

He said, "Why don't you meet me here tomorrow. Same time. We'll talk about our lives, and I'll show you that you have so much to be thankful for."

 

We met that day around noon. 

He said, "Lets take a walk."

All the way were people holding signs that said, "If you have some time can you talk with me a while?"

Then he looked at me with such honesty and said, "This is where I sleep."

Pointing to the street.

 

He said, "My brother I knew what it was like to feel alone. But it seems I've forgotten thanks to the kindness that you've shown. 

Maybe if people just help people, this world will feel less like a hell, and more like a home."

He could tell that I was sad but he told me not to pity him.

For, the times that we had shared, sitting and talking to one another, had awakened some light within.

 

I said, "Is there anything I can do?"

He said, "Next Monday is my birthday.

Do you think I could see you and talk with you a while?"

I said, "My brother it's the least that I could do. 

Because you've given me a reason to believe that I'm never alone.

See when people just help people, this world sure feels less like a hell, and more like a home."

                 -C  (4/17/17)

"From"

From time to time I think about my life and find myself smiling.

Making clear to me that there has to be something good that I'm not realizing.

So I cover myself in darkness and I start theorizing.

Saying it aloud maybe that's why these troubles keep arising.

 

I need to think less and be more.

I need to confess to settle scores.

I need to open up my heart as much as I think I do.

I need to look to the start to see why I'm so damn attached to you.

 

Yes you.

You're the reason for the pain. 

You're the reason for all of the heart ache and the shame. 

You're the reason why most days I want to change my name, leave this life behind, pack a bag and run away.

Finally stop being taunted by the greener grass and the better days.

 

But who am I kidding? 

We were meant to be together.

And I'd be lying if I said our bond won't last forever.

But riddle me this.

If sadness is your style, 

than why do you let me smile

from time to time...

              -C     (4/10/17)

"Beautiful Love"

I have a beautiful love.

It didn't show its face until it was over.

That's not to say our love was not enough,

it's just that ending was the only way to show her.

I have a colorful love.

Just a different shade than I first thought.

I always saw blue when I thought of me and you.

So many details that I never caught.

( I see them now,

no longer lost,

they are found. )

I have an honest love.

Years full of fake smiles have finally run their coarse.

Now tonight, speaking with you was so easy to do,

and all because we were telling the truth.

 

( No anxiety at all.

I think I'm starting to fall...

WAIT, slow down.

It's been less than a week.

Time and space...Time and Space.

Now hurry, get back to your feet. )

I have an ever-changing love.

It needs no description or definition.

It doesn't dwell on patterns or superstitions.

For my love is her love,

and though it may need some revisions,

I wouldn't change a thing about this love that we are living.

                         -C      (3/29/17)

"Purpose or "A Poem With No Rhymes""

I'm starting to believe that you do not exist.

I hear many people say that your purpose in life ,is to find your purpose. 

How paradoxical.

It's extremely difficult for me to grasp the concept of, "reason". 

It seems the bulk of humanity finds "reason" to be a vitality. 

We need a reason to live otherwise we'll drive off of a cliff, or drink a glass of anti-freeze.

Life is a final exam that you weren't allowed to study for. 

It's a fortune cookie with a riddle inside.

It's the wall that I always end up talking to.

 

I decide I need to change this wall. 
So I spend every penny on the perfect paint.

I work tirelessly painting the wall, day in and day out.

Then, I wait. 

I sit and watch the paint dry.

Weeks go by, the wall is still glazed with beads and drips.

 Months go by, nothing changes.

Years now pass, no progress.

I conclude that I purchased the wrong paint, so I start over.

Once my second attempt is done, I wait patiently, confident that this paint will work.

Weeks, months, years go by. Same result.

I wonder if it is my brushstroke. 

Maybe I laid the paint on too thick.

It was only after 8 different gallons, 12 different brushes, 6 fans aimed at my wall, and the plethora of opportunities I missed while waiting for this paint to dry, that I realized it wasn't the paint at all.

It was the wall.

See this wall of mine wouldn't take any of the paint I had chosen.

However, a wall doesn't need paint to be a wall.

But for most, they will paint that wall and invite guests in and they'll share their stories.

Their guests will praise their hard work.

" This is the perfect color! It fits you so well. Great work."

And while I know it is a lie, I envy those people.

So I go home to my wall and try one last can of paint.

It consumes my being for weeks, months, years...

As I wait for it to dry I soon realize that the beads and drips will not cease until I am dead.

And after my lifelong suffering of discontentment I will hope that when I am gone, guests will come from far and wide to see what I had done with my wall and say,

"Great work."

                                                                  -C    (3/21/17)

"Truth In Lies"

Like a tree in winter, I am but a shell

that bares little resemblance to the full green beauty that I once was.

I appear to have everything figured out.

My aura gives off a rather implicative glow.

I am balanced and sure. 

 

Only, what is an aura but a facade that we exude

to keep people from entering the deepest shallows of our mind?

I am only what I am not.

Where hyper realistic journal entries meet metaphorical masturbation 

is where you may find me. 

 

The liar that tells one truth.

That being that he lies. 

He lies when he says, " I know ".

He lies when he says, " I'm okay".

His biggest lie is when he tells you that he needs you to understand.

For in order to be who he believes he is to be,

he must feel that he is overwhelmingly alone.

              - C      (3/13/17)

"Welcome to the World"

As I plunge out of reality

I fall once more into the void.

The strangeness sinks in when I 

discover that it is filled with

more hope and optimism than my

reality.

How can something so empty have

so many answers?

Or rather,

how can something so full of beauty

and life leave me feeling so

unfulfilled?

Perhaps my questions will be 

answered when I put down the 

pen and pick up my chin.

Step away from my notebook and

stop looking within.

For, all of the beauty this world has

to offer is of course outside of my mind.

And if this is true then one might say

that my greatest tool is leaving me

blind.

My only hope is when I am finally 

introduced to the world for the first 

time, it will somehow show me what it

truly is to be alive.

              -C      (3/4/17)

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